When I had come into the Daily Chapel, I had put my coat on one of the chairs in the back. So for the meditation I decided to go sit in front of the Tabernacle. I sat, legs out in front, arms folded and then thought: "You are sitting in the Presence of the Lord, sit up straight". I sat up in the chair, hands on knees, closed my eyes and began.
I really don't want to do this, Mary. You know that I say the Rosary when I travel and when walking, but honestly just don't 'get' having a relationship with you. In fact, I almost resent you sometimes. I don't know if that's because of the interaction with my own mother or because you have always been held up to us as the perfect mother, and I know I don't measure up. I think of that old joke about Mrs. Murphy coming into Mass late and noisily Sunday after Sunday with her eleven children and the old Irish priest admonished her that when she and her brood come into church late each week, that even the Blessed Mother Statue frowned. Mrs. Murphy replied: "Humph, her and her One". I related to Mrs. Murphy. I know how I felt coming into Church, trying to marshal that gaggle of girls into and during Mass. There were time's when I looked up at your statue, to see if you were frowning.
So here goes:
Tradition tells us that Anna and Joachim prayed for a child and yet when you were young, they took you to the Temple to be a handmaiden. How did you feel to be presented that way, was it a glorious day like our First Communion, did you wear a special garment, were you nervous, did you hold Anna's hand, did Joachim hug you goodbye.? What were your duties? Did you spend the night and go home each day? Did you have a best friend. I think the Church makes you seem so stiff sometimes, did you ever giggle and share secrets with a friend?
When you became betrothed to Joseph, how did you feel? Was he your choice, your parents choice? Did you like him right away? As a temple handmaiden, were you of a different social strata than Joseph, the carpenter?
And when the Angel came how did you feel when he appeared? Did your heart leap with fear? Did you cry out, kneel down, breathe deeply? I've been so afraid to try things in my life, always choosing the safe way, that fact that you said yes to what he asked is amazing. How did you feel when Joseph found out you were pregnant and told you he wanted out? Were you resigned or apprehensive?
Some years back, our daughter, Mary and I were visiting a Cathedral in Mexico and she stood for a long time in front of Joseph' s Altar and when I commented on that, she said she had a great devotion to St. Joseph and "besides, Joseph always takes care of Mary!" At St Joseph's Church near downtown, there is one of my favorite stained glass windows. It depicts the Visitation. Mary is being greeted by Elizabeth and Zacharias and watching unobtrusive, behind a pillar is the figure of Joseph. I like to imagine he would have accompanied you on your journey, standing back but keeping an eye on his betrothed as she visited this cousin. Did Elizabeth show you how to prepare for a newborn, what clothes you would need, you might have still been there when John was born, did she teach you how to cut the cord, and how to clean and take care of this little Boy you were having.
How did you feel riding to Bethlehem on the back of a donkey, or did you walk and only use the animal to carry your things? Those last few weeks of pregnancy are so uncomfortable, just the thought of riding and trying to be a part of the animal's gait makes my loins hurt thinking about it.
How did you feel when Joseph said the only place available was a stable? Were you so tired by this time, that anyplace with a roof sounded good. A stable has such a good smell, hay and the smell of the animals breathes and bodies. I always liked to go into the pony barn when we lived in the country. Even after they were long gone, you could sometimes get a whiff of that pungent but satisfying aroma. In a book I read, it supposed that if you and Joseph had trouble finding an Inn that others might have been in the same predicament and that there might have been several families in that barn with you. I like to think that might be true. How did you feel when your time came, were there other women there to take charge or was it just you and Joseph alone, you helping him to do what Elizabeth and maybe Anna had passed on to you or did other women, as women do, tell Joseph, to step aside and they would do what needed to be done. God always seems to send women friends to us when we need them.
How did you feel when you held that little Guy for the first time, did he snuggle into your neck? Did you run your fingers over his soft skin, counting fingers and toes? One of the best smells in the world is a new baby, did you smooth his hair and just breathe in His scent? Were you worn out?
How did you feel when the astronomers found you? Were you and Joseph in awe of these learned men or did you think about who your Son was and know that no one, could be more awesome than He and take it all in stride. When did you get back to Nazereth and then you took that flying trip to Egypt. How long were you there?
Was Jesus a good little boy, did He have colic, did He have favorite toys? How old was He when He first wanted to help out in the carpenter shop? Did He ever cut his finger? How did you feel when you saw Him asleep in his bed at night? Nothing, just nothing is more beautiful than a sleeping child. It makes the day all worthwhile.
In the Bible it talks about Jesus brothers and sisters, did you and Joseph have other children. I believe in the virgin birth for Jesus but have always wondered if you were a typical married couple. How did you feel laying next to your husband? Did you touch in the night? Did you talk in the quiet of your bedroom?
I remember the time Leah took off without permission and how frantic we were, we beat down the high grass on our country roads, went down into the woods, went up to the shopping center but no sign of her or her bike. And then all at once she came riding down the road and was upset that we were upset and never really explained where she was. So I kind of know how you felt, when you were coming home from Jerusalem and Jesus wasn't with you. Panicky, "it's all my fault", "it's all Joseph's fault". What were you doing that He got away from you? and then He gave you His explanation which wasn't what you expected and that was that.
About this time someone came into the Chapel and began a rather loud dialogue with Monsignor. I was distracted and came out of my reverie. What was interesting was that when I had started I was sitting straight and when I stopped my meditation, I was bent forward, almost doubled over. In the quiet before the Tabernacle, I had spent a few minutes contemplating Mary's life. Asking her questions that I relate to as a wife and mother. Maybe Mary seems a little more real now. The next meditation should be the latter part of her life - the hardest part - watching your child suffer and die.
I am so grateful to Monsignor for giving me this penance, this quiet reflection. "Be still and know..." Ps. 46:10
No comments:
Post a Comment